Airy released the force of her hug though she kept her hands resting at Cassidy's sides. She didn't want to let him go. If felt as if the childish desire to hold onto him would make everything better and chase away the unpleasant feelings that rattled around her rib cage. The memory of the dreams had been crystal clear, including the feeling that had surged through her while she'd been in Cassidy's dream. She didn't think that all of those feelings belonged to her but it was confusing and hard to shake as the pressures of dreams often are.
"Why are you a wanker?"
Bright blue eyes looked up at him and she suddenly felt her heart ache as if she was still inside his dream.
Her own dream had felt normal, it was something she understood, but while Airy had told Cassidy about her time being tortured, she had never gone into specifics. Now he knew part of it, not all of it but a very large part of what had happened to her. She'd spent weeks with Taila, having every little bit of her mind torn apart.
"Well, I wasn't exactly model boyfriend material, there, now was I?"
He'd allowed his arms to drape loosely around her in turn; holding, but not too tightly. Following the question, he gave her an extra little squeeze.
Right at this moment, he wasn’t thinking about Airy’s dream. He didn’t want to; as bad as the glimpse into his own past had been, hers was much more horrifying. He looked down to meet her gaze, his mouth forming a frown that was already halfway to an apology.
"Not exactly but I don't think you were trying." Cassidy was a very emotional person. He might not get sad a lot or whatever connotation typically comes with being emotional but he let whatever he was feeling fuel his actions and decisions.
His heart wasn't in that dream, not until the end, when they talked.
Her fingers began to brush gently against his side as they spoke. "Mm?" She looked up at him, pulled from the specifics of the dream and smiled. "Ah, I don't think it was too bad but you definitely needed to brush your teeth." She laughed softly and shook her head.
"That really didn't bother me too much. I had a brother. I'm used to boys being kind of gross." Her smile was light and fleeting. Airy wanted to keep smiling but there was too much on her mind to keep it up.
"I know we have-" She took a deep breath. "A lot to talk about but how about you show me Pudge's trick first?"
He smoothed at her hair with one hand. Even if the laughter and smiles didn't last for long, it was good to see them make an appearance after the night they'd both had.
"You wanna see it?" It meant sitting up, so Cassidy took his time shifting out from under her, first reaching for his drugs cabinet to pull out a small jar of dried nuggets. Sitting cross-legged on the bed — he was wearing sweatpants, like in his dream, only these were a plain grey — he unscrewed the lid and gave Pudge the first command.
"Pudge — come." The fish squiggled over the lip of the fishbowl and swam through the air to hover just over one of Cassidy's knees. "Stay..." Slowly, carefully, Cassidy lowered a large nugget of weed onto the tip of the fish's snout. It wobbled just slightly as he let it go, but then settled into balance.
Cassidy flicked his index finger upward. "Up—" and Pudge started to rise straight upward in midair, fins and tail fluttering. The nugget stayed perched on his nose.
"Down." Pudge reversed, lowering back down toward Cassidy's knee, until Cassidy said, "Aaaand stop," and plucked the nugget back. "There we are. There's a good fish."
Airy shifted as Cassidy rose from the bed and curled into something like a ball at his side. She had one leg next to him while the other was folded behind him. Her head rested lightly on his shoulder once she was sure he wasn't going to move too much so she could watch Pudge perform his little trick.
Her smile returned and softened as the cute fish construct performed. "That's awesome Cass." She pressed a light kiss against the side of his neck before pointing to the nugget of weed.
"Why is that in nugget form anyway?"
Her knowledge of weed did not include nugget form and Airy was stalling.
“I’ve not ground it up yet,” he explained as he returned the nugget to the jar. “Donn just gave me a whole bunch more plants and equipment. Now I’ve got enough to keep a reserve stock.”
With the jar closed back up, Cassidy leaned over to set it on the nightstand. That done, he put an arm around Airy’s shoulders.
A lot to talk about. Might as well get started.
“Are you still not sure how it happened?” he asked gently. It was possible she hadn’t been able to think clearly in the midst of the dream. If she still had no idea, maybe it had been some fairy nonsense.
"Ah." The sound was soft and distracted but it was her way of saying that she understood what he had said and accepted it as fact. It was interesting though it wasn't really what Airy was thinking about.
She leaned against his side, letting her head rest on his shoulder before turning slightly to meet his gaze.
"I don't know." Her voice was soft and thoughtful. She didn't feel as frantic as she had when she first woke up but some of that unsettling feeling hasn't completely faded either. "I don't think it was me. After," Her teeth gently bit her lower lip as she paused.
"After I was rescued from Taila, Seth, a man I met where... I am living now actually, I mean, before I was here. He helped get rid of Taila's presence in my head and put those thoughts back together. He said that I won't be able to use mental magic until I've fully healed and gotten past his wards. Since that is what it'd take for me to protect myself."
Which meant that it was likely a trick of the castle.
Pudge remained hovering a couple of inches above Cassidy's knee, putting him between the two of them. He'd be available for petting, if Airy needed something else to soothe her mind.
Cassidy was also finding that, second by second, the horror inspired by her dream was fading. Even if it was still unsettling, at least she was here next to him, solid and warm and safe.
"Right. Her 'presence.'" She’d mentioned how Talia was still ‘in her head,’ and Cassidy couldn’t say how literal that was. "Now, is it more like — is it the memory of her that's stuck in your mind, or is it like you're Luke Skywalker and she's some sort of evil Obi-Wan?"
"She isn't really evil." One hand rested at Cassidy's side while the other reached for Pudge, brushing just beneath his belly. He was a lot softer than Airy remembered though she wasn't sure she ever actually touch Pudge before. "She was another one of Amadeus's pets, just another prisoner who had to do what he said. He was the man who kidnapped me and the vampire who gave me the scare on my neck."
Airy kept her eye on Pudge as she continued to pet the cute little fish.
"And it's more like she left a piece of herself in me. You heard it, didn't you? The things she said to you?" Her eyes closed as if she was trying not to think about the moment while still talking about it. "She can read thoughts, fears and feelings. That was her speaking, not me or the dream. I can't control what she does and that's why she sometimes visits me in my dreams. I can usually avoid it but not always."
She looked back up at Cassidy. "That's why I like it when I sleep with you. I don't really have those nightmares."
She could say Talia wasn’t evil all she liked. It wouldn’t erase Cassidy’s memory of the woman sinking her fingers into Airy’s chest. And, since Airy was mentioning them — those things she’d said. Her master hadn’t put those words in her mouth, had he?
The first man she truly falls in love with. Out of everything, that was the part that made Cassidy feel like his insides were going to start tying themselves in knots. The parts about him, his pretending to be a man or whatever — none of that was anything he hadn’t felt before, in his more self-loathing moments. The thought that he really was her first, that she was betting her heart on him...
“You don’t?” he asked in a quiet voice as he looked back down at her. He made her feel that safe? She actually loved him that much?
He really was the biggest wanker in the entire world.
Airy looked over at him, her bright blue eyes inquisitive, soft and uncertain. There was more she wanted to say, more she wanted to explain, but the words were caught somewhere between her head and her mouth. She hadn't been ready to face all of this. Maybe she would never be ready.
She inhaled and exhaled a slow steady breath before nodding her head.
"Yeah. You make me feel strong. Like, not by doing anything but when I'm around you, I'm the person I want to be. I really like that person. It's me but stronger." He brought out the best parts of her while chasing away his worries and he didn't do anything special to do this. He acted like Cassidy and that was why Airy loved him.
She didn't know how deeply that love ran, only that it was there.
He made her feel stronger. Like a better person. Him. Just like he felt like he knew how to be a better person when he was with her. That shouldn't have made him feel like some gunk scraped off the bottom of a shoe, and yet.
That's what you do, isn't it? Play your part.
"Well, it's just," he fumbled slightly, "it's sort of a lot, havin' a mind-readin' psychopath lookin' into your head like that."
It was a new experience for him, was all.
"Was she tellin' the truth, though?" He let his hand cup her shoulder, let himself hold her a bit tighter. He wanted her to feel that he wasn't letting go. "Am I your first?"
"I know, it's hard." She knew exactly how it felt to have Taila pulling at the parts of you that you didn't want to see. Airy had gotten used to the feeling but Cassidy hadn't. He hadn't had to deal with a lot of it but it was enough to hurt and Airy had never meant for that to happen.
It was hurt fault that Taila had been able to hurt him. She hadn't been strong enough.
Her shoulders tensed at his question and she closed her eyes. Airy had been weak and in pieces when Cassidy had walked in on her and Taila but she'd heard everything as if it had been whispered perfectly in her ear.
She took a deep breath and then leaned against Cassidy. It was a little awkward since they were sitting in an odd position but Airy didn't care. "Not the first time I've physically been with someone or the first person I dated but... yeah, you're the first person I've ever truly loved... been in love with." She supposed that was the distinction.
Airy hadn't actually told Cassidy any of this. That had been her fear, the simple terror that he would leave and her heart would shatter. This world was already taking it's toll on her but she was trying to keep herself together.
When she leaned into him, he folded closer around her. It was awkward, but it's not like anybody was watching -- except the bloody fairies. Cassidy found the most comfortable way to get closer to her, and rested there.
He'd wound up with one hand still free, so he took a turn petting a finger across Pudge's back. The little fish fluttered and squirmed under his finger. She'd made that for him. He'd restarted his heart for her.
With a thought, he activated the spell, and the tattoo on his hand started to flap its wings. She'd be able to feel the steady heartbeat through his chest.
Of course, it wasn't as simple as I love you, too. There was plenty of other stuff Talia had said that had been true, and Cassidy didn't see much point in trying to deny it. He'd learned something about her she hadn't been ready to tell him -- she'd learned some similar things about him.
"Well, you heard the rest of what she said." He didn't have to do much more than murmur, as close as they were. There was a question buried in it that he couldn't quite put the words to. What did that make you feel? What do you want to know?
Airy's attention turned towards the fluttering tattoo on the back of Cassidy's hand. She reached for it, gently running her pointer finger over the tattoo as the memory of that day played through her thoughts. It'd been a perfect day. "You know, I always thought that you only turned this on for me. It's a silly thing really but I wanted something special that was just ours. It doesn't feel like we have that here."
She closed her eyes and sat up straighter, shifting so that she was sitting comfortably against his side, with Cassidy's fingers lacing through hers.
"I heard and I'm scared." There was no reason not to be honest with her. "I'm younger and I know that there are a lot of things I don't understand. I really... hate this world. I talked to Matt about it you know because I always thought that sex was something that you do with the person you love but this place isn't like that...." She paused. "It kills me a little."
Airy then continued quickly, not wanting to hear Cassidy's reply until she was done. "It's hard for me to see and I'm scared that you don't love me. That Taila was right and it is just an act. I don't care if you're a monster but... it hurt to think that you might not love me. That it's the reason you don't want to try and be monogamous... even here."
That was how she saw it. If Cassidy didn't want to try and be open and honest, then how could he say he loved her? Did he really love her or was she the only one putting her heart on the line? Airy didn't want to face this yet but she didn't know what to do. She'd never had to deal with these kinds of problems before and she had no way of handling it.
It doesn't feel like we have that here. That one burned a little. In Cassidy's mind, they had plenty that was just theirs. Everything that they were when it was just them. How could she say they didn't have anything?
She sounded so young, going on about one true loves. Like her whole worldview balanced on it. How could he not have noticed it before now?
"I do love you." He shifted his hand in hers, ran his thumb over the backs of her knuckles. "You know, in my dream, after we were done, there were a couple of seconds before I turned my head -- and I was terrified to think that it'd be anyone but you lyin' next to me."
He needed her to know that much, before he got into what came next.
"Talia was right about some things, though. I'm a philanderer. And I manipulate people, sometimes. Use them. Sure. I used a load of people to get what's behind that door, there--" he nodded his head in the direction of the weed cabinet... which, these days, was more of a walk-in closet. "--cause I wanted to make sure I could keep gettin' high."
He leaned down, wanting to meet her eyes a little closer -- or catch them, if she was looking away.
"I know you love me and I love you too. I'm just... I'm trying to understand. Matt said-" She exhaled a slow breath. "He said that sex didn't mean love and affection to everyone but that's how I was raised. I'm trying to change my point of view but it's hard because I think that you'd rather have sex with other people instead of me. When I'm right here, waiting." She closed her eyes and tried to wrap her thoughts around everything. "It's hard for me but you're worth it. It's worth it. So I want to know your thoughts. Tell me why, who even, I don't want any more unspoken anything. It isn't making it better." It was only putting more stress on Airy as her imagination ran away with her.
"You used people." She repeated the words, knowing exactly what they meant. He slept with people and was likely eager to do it too. Airy felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes as her heart torn in two. There was the side of her that was so happy that he had wanted her to be the woman in his dream and then there was the part of her that wished that it wasn't like this. That it could just be them and no one else. "I have used people too... in order to try and forget that you were sleeping with others." She wasn't a particularly good person either.
Airy's gaze looked over at the weed cabinet. "-Will you ever have enough?"
Would she at least have a boyfriend who was reluctant instead of eager to fuck other people?
"Rather? It's not rather—" he managed to squeeze in, just before she started saying how she wanted to know everything. It wasn't that he'd rather sleep with other people than her. Just... in addition to? As soon as he thought that, he realized it would have been a total arsehole thing to say. It'd been for the best he'd been cut off.
She'd slept with other people to try and forget that he was doing the same. But that couldn't have been all she was doing... could it?
He sidestepped the question she'd asked. Did it actually matter whether he answered one thing or other, to that?
"Are you tellin' me," he asked, "you didn't have fun with any of the others? Really? With Matt?" Really? Cassidy straightened his spine. "Cause me, personally, I think Matt's a bloody good way to spend one's time."
So there was one name, if she wanted names.
"And we don't have to be ashamed of it, here!" He made a waving gesture toward the bedroom door, indicating everything out there. "We get to just enjoy it! Love, I know this is gonna sound like a dickhead thing to say, but — honestly, sex without love, it's — it's just sex. It doesn't—" have to be a big deal? No, wait, revise. "It's its own experience, is all. And it can be fun."
Right now, he was thinking that deep down, she knew that.
"I guess but I'd still rather sleep with you given the choice." Airy didn't think it was such a difficult concept to understand but the way Cassidy made it sound....
She bit her lip hard, using the pain to clear away her thoughts and the ambient emotions she felt twisting uncomfortably in her chest. "I never said we should be ashamed." He hadn't answered her question, he was avoiding it, and it was beginning to get on Airy's nerves. "Okay, I get it. I get that point of view." Matt had said something similar.
"But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about you Cass. If we're going to do this I need to know where you stand. Even if I never ask for it, would you give up sleeping with everyone because you love me?" It was a hypothetical. Airy wasn't sure that she wanted that but she wanted something.
She didn't really know what she wanted.
Would she stop having sex with people if Cassidy asked? Yes. But would she want too? Airy wasn't as sure of the answer to that question. She'd always been told that sex was something you did with one person who loved you but all of those expectations were changing. She wanted to be the person that Cassidy wanted. Not the random person who happened to be there but the person that he went looking for.
Airy didn't know if she was that person to him. They'd talked about it but only part way. It, like so many things here, had devolved into sex. It'd been fantastic but it hadn't really felt like they had a conclusion to the conversation.
That was the sort of question that felt like a trap. Like there was no actual good answer. Oh, there might seem like there was a good answer, but if he said yes, she might call his bluff.
But he could speak in hypotheticals, too.
"If we'd met anywhere the normal rules still applied, you wouldn't even need to ask."
It wasn't like he didn't know how things worked in the real world. You went with one person at a time -- usually, if you were trying to do things right, which Cassidy might have only occasionally tried to do, but he did understand it.
Rules. Where he stood. This was starting to sound like the conversation they'd had after he'd made that personals ad in the tomes. And that had been where their troubles had started, hadn't it?
"Is this still about that one post I made in the books? Cause that was a bloody boneheaded -- I've still no idea what came over me; I'd never done a thing like that in me life. I bet it was some fairy shite, like these dreams. Stir things up. Get us at loggerheads. There's the entertainment they're lookin' for. You know--" he lifted an index finger between them, going into conspiratorial mode, "--I said to Matt's friend, his lady friend, bloody Serena, first week here, I said the fairies were countin' on people buttin' heads as well as bumpin' uglies."
The answer to her question was slowly becoming the least important part of the conversation.
He was avoiding her question and that was annoying. Her jaw tightened and she was ready to smack Cassidy if he didn't start listening to what she was saying.
"Maybe I would! I was in your dream remember? I know that it's something that you do when you think you have to do it. Well, guess what? You don't have to date me and you don't have to sleep around. You can do whatever you want. That's kind of true no matter where you are Cass. So it's your choice. No one else. Whatever we do after this mess doesn't even matter right now! I want to know you Cassidy. I want to know things that you like and hate and what you're thinking. I don't care about the excuses that you give yourself or hypotheticals or the shit that you say that make you sound like an asshat."
Airy had no idea what an asshat actually was but it felt like a fitting swear word to throw in there.
"I just want to know about the man that I love. I don't think that I'm asking too much. So what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I like sleeping around? Or that maybe I'm not even fucking upset with you and I'm just frustrated and annoyed and I hate this place. Maybe I just want to kick something really hard because I hate feeling angry but I'm angry. I get that we're all puppets on some supernatural fairy mongers butt... heads... strings." She was slowly losing the steam of her rant and by this point Airy wasn't even sure where she was going with it.
"I just." Her voice fell a little bit and she let the heat fall out of her words. "I want to really know you Cassidy and I want you to know me too." She didn't want him looking for other people to sleep with but she understood if he didn't want to pass on a chance. That happened a lot here. But she still wanted to be the person who knew him best.
Airy was silent for all of five seconds before she spoke again. "And you know what else. I want to do a lot of super kinky things. I do. I end up doing that with other people though because we don't or didn't, sort of did recently, but we didn't talk about that. Or... I don't know. It's all super frustrating. Everything is and I don't even know what part of it is actually bothering me or what I'm talking about." She suddenly felt very tired.
I want to do a lot of super kinky things. Cassidy's lips pressed into a thin line. Earlier in the month, he'd put in a request for a scandalous leather dress. It hadn't arrived yet. What the hell were the fairies waiting on, a special occasion? Had he not done enough, this time?
All this while, because he hadn't been told to go anywhere else, Pudge had remained hovering over Cassidy's knee. Since he hadn't had a command for the last several minutes, he'd started to go into idle mode, doing little circles and wiggles in midair. The motions were a touch too cheery for the moment, and it was starting to grate on Cassidy's nerves.
"For God's sakes -- go to your bowl," he commanded with a sharp point, and Pudge squiggled around and swam home, obedient as you like. Not sentient enough to understand the tension in the air.
Cassidy scrubbed a hand over his face. She didn't know what she was talking about. He'd lost the plot of the conversation as well. But it didn't much matter how they'd gotten here.
"Okay... okay." There was at least one thing she'd said that pointed in a new direction for the conversation. "You want to know me. And I - I - I've not been lyin' to 'ya all these months about who I am, Airy. You do know me. Parts of."
Stumbling a little, there, because he felt any pushback on her perception might only land him in more trouble, but he had to say it.
"But ask me anythin'." If she didn't like the answers... they'd both have to live with it. "No bullshit. I promise."
Airy flinched as Cassidy commanded Pudge to return to his bowl. She'd honestly forgot that he was there but now her gaze went back to him. She watched as the little fish wiggled and put another layer on top of him. One that she wondered if she'd even tell Cassidy about.
Maybe later... after... after all this.
Her attention returned to Cassidy as he spoke. Parts of. That was natural. It wasn't as if they've had years together. They were both still learning about each other but this place kept making Airy want something more since she couldn't have what she was used too.
"It's selfish of me... isn't it? To keep asking you for things. I'm really sorry. I don't think you've ever done that but I'm... insecure. Everyone here is prettier than I am, more confident. I really don't get it and it's stupid. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but I'm scared that if we go wherever that I'll lose you and you'll find someone else you'd rather spend your time with." Airy reached for his hand and let her fingers lace through his. "You don't have to say anything. I know it's my problem. I've never had oodles of confidence and... I mean everyone here is ridiculously gorgeous." It was weird and in this particular instance, uncomfortable.
"So one question and... you can ask me questions too, I mean, if you want." She gently turned over his hand and began to draw lines in his palm. "Would you want to have a family with me? Not here and not now. But if we ever got to your home or mine. Would you want to have a kid and a life where we're a family? I realize that's a lot of what-if's but... as messed up as that dream was... it was nice too. I didn't think I could have something like that after every but... you kinda made me hope for it again. Denis is a cute name."
She tried to keep her tone even and her expression light but Airy was sad. It wasn't a feeling that she could completely shake and she was never good at hiding how she felt.
In his mind, he'd been turning over a few guesses as to what she might ask. That hadn't been one of them.
In the couple of silent seconds where he considered the question, he found his heart feeling both heavier and lighter than it had a moment ago. Heavy because he felt how important this was to her. Lighter because... well, because he'd enjoyed the fantasy of it, too. The thought of having a family with her. And because he'd felt that moment of terror when he thought he might be sharing a family with anyone else.
All right. No bullshit. He'd promised.
"Yeah, well, Denis as a name is already taken," he said, his voice low, a little solemn. He looked down to where her fingers met his palm, tracing out those little patterns. "His mum and I, we stayed together for the wrong reasons. Which seemed like the right ones at the time. Hindsight bein' twenty-twenty, and all that."
There was always the chance he would screw it up for completely new and interesting reasons, which was why: "It's not somethin' I've been eager to try again, with anyone. But." He made himself lift his eyes, look her in the face again. "I might, if I was with 'ya. A strong maybe's as close as I've got to it in decades."
And they had only been seeing one another for a little over six months. But if he was feeling 'maybe' at this stage of things, that had to mean something, right?
"And I know the way you feel about yourself sometimes." He readjusted the arm that was around her shoulders, let it settle over her a bit further. "You're right that almost everyone here is bloody gorgeous... but if you could see yourself the way I do. You've got this light that comes out from the inside of 'ya, somewhere. It's always there when you smile. It's the loveliest thing I've ever seen."
Airy looked up to meet his gaze and felt her heart quiver in her chest. Cassidy always had the affect on her, he made her feel things that no one else had or could. She wanted to know if it was the same for him, what he was feeling or maybe there was a way to compare, but maybe somethings you couldn't compare.
"That's a good answer." Her voice was very soft as she leaned against his side. Airy wouldn't have thought he was serious if he jumped at the chance to have a family with her. Even she balanced the line between wanting a family and wishing the desire would leave her alone. Maybe was a good answer, it meant he thought about it and it meant that he hadn't dismissed it completely.
She closed her eyes and leaned against his shoulder, inhaling the musk and heat of his shirt. She wanted to cry but she knew that it wouldn't really make things better. It wouldn't make things worse except that then she'd get tears everywhere.
"I wish I could see myself like that." Airy whispered against his side. "Maybe I wouldn't be such a doofus about all this. I hate feeling like I'm not enough." She kept her eyes closed and exhaled a slow unsure breath. "Can I ask the question I asked before? About you looking for other people to sleep with? I know I've done it once. It was with Matt. I wanted to talk to him about you and I couldn't really do that with anyone else or with you. I prefer you but sometimes I just let things happen. I feel bad about it too or like maybe it's uneven. Then I usually end up missing you."
Airy shook her head. "I bet that all sounds really dumb doesn't it? But I also hate sleeping alone though. So it's very easy to miss you." She didn't know what else she was saying but she wanted to talk and she wanted Cassidy to talk too. Maybe the question she asked wasn't the one she met but she didn't know how to put her questions into words.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2018-07-19 02:38 am (UTC)"Why are you a wanker?"
Bright blue eyes looked up at him and she suddenly felt her heart ache as if she was still inside his dream.
Her own dream had felt normal, it was something she understood, but while Airy had told Cassidy about her time being tortured, she had never gone into specifics. Now he knew part of it, not all of it but a very large part of what had happened to her. She'd spent weeks with Taila, having every little bit of her mind torn apart.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-19 11:49 am (UTC)He'd allowed his arms to drape loosely around her in turn; holding, but not too tightly. Following the question, he gave her an extra little squeeze.
Right at this moment, he wasn’t thinking about Airy’s dream. He didn’t want to; as bad as the glimpse into his own past had been, hers was much more horrifying. He looked down to meet her gaze, his mouth forming a frown that was already halfway to an apology.
"Did I smell as bad as I think I did?"
no subject
Date: 2018-07-19 02:07 pm (UTC)His heart wasn't in that dream, not until the end, when they talked.
Her fingers began to brush gently against his side as they spoke. "Mm?" She looked up at him, pulled from the specifics of the dream and smiled. "Ah, I don't think it was too bad but you definitely needed to brush your teeth." She laughed softly and shook her head.
"That really didn't bother me too much. I had a brother. I'm used to boys being kind of gross." Her smile was light and fleeting. Airy wanted to keep smiling but there was too much on her mind to keep it up.
"I know we have-" She took a deep breath. "A lot to talk about but how about you show me Pudge's trick first?"
no subject
Date: 2018-07-19 04:17 pm (UTC)"You wanna see it?" It meant sitting up, so Cassidy took his time shifting out from under her, first reaching for his drugs cabinet to pull out a small jar of dried nuggets. Sitting cross-legged on the bed — he was wearing sweatpants, like in his dream, only these were a plain grey — he unscrewed the lid and gave Pudge the first command.
"Pudge — come." The fish squiggled over the lip of the fishbowl and swam through the air to hover just over one of Cassidy's knees. "Stay..." Slowly, carefully, Cassidy lowered a large nugget of weed onto the tip of the fish's snout. It wobbled just slightly as he let it go, but then settled into balance.
Cassidy flicked his index finger upward. "Up—" and Pudge started to rise straight upward in midair, fins and tail fluttering. The nugget stayed perched on his nose.
"Down." Pudge reversed, lowering back down toward Cassidy's knee, until Cassidy said, "Aaaand stop," and plucked the nugget back. "There we are. There's a good fish."
no subject
Date: 2018-07-19 04:42 pm (UTC)Her smile returned and softened as the cute fish construct performed. "That's awesome Cass." She pressed a light kiss against the side of his neck before pointing to the nugget of weed.
"Why is that in nugget form anyway?"
Her knowledge of weed did not include nugget form and Airy was stalling.
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Date: 2018-07-19 05:34 pm (UTC)With the jar closed back up, Cassidy leaned over to set it on the nightstand. That done, he put an arm around Airy’s shoulders.
A lot to talk about. Might as well get started.
“Are you still not sure how it happened?” he asked gently. It was possible she hadn’t been able to think clearly in the midst of the dream. If she still had no idea, maybe it had been some fairy nonsense.
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Date: 2018-07-19 08:26 pm (UTC)She leaned against his side, letting her head rest on his shoulder before turning slightly to meet his gaze.
"I don't know." Her voice was soft and thoughtful. She didn't feel as frantic as she had when she first woke up but some of that unsettling feeling hasn't completely faded either. "I don't think it was me. After," Her teeth gently bit her lower lip as she paused.
"After I was rescued from Taila, Seth, a man I met where... I am living now actually, I mean, before I was here. He helped get rid of Taila's presence in my head and put those thoughts back together. He said that I won't be able to use mental magic until I've fully healed and gotten past his wards. Since that is what it'd take for me to protect myself."
Which meant that it was likely a trick of the castle.
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Date: 2018-07-19 09:44 pm (UTC)Cassidy was also finding that, second by second, the horror inspired by her dream was fading. Even if it was still unsettling, at least she was here next to him, solid and warm and safe.
"Right. Her 'presence.'" She’d mentioned how Talia was still ‘in her head,’ and Cassidy couldn’t say how literal that was. "Now, is it more like — is it the memory of her that's stuck in your mind, or is it like you're Luke Skywalker and she's some sort of evil Obi-Wan?"
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Date: 2018-07-19 10:00 pm (UTC)Airy kept her eye on Pudge as she continued to pet the cute little fish.
"And it's more like she left a piece of herself in me. You heard it, didn't you? The things she said to you?" Her eyes closed as if she was trying not to think about the moment while still talking about it. "She can read thoughts, fears and feelings. That was her speaking, not me or the dream. I can't control what she does and that's why she sometimes visits me in my dreams. I can usually avoid it but not always."
She looked back up at Cassidy. "That's why I like it when I sleep with you. I don't really have those nightmares."
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Date: 2018-07-20 03:36 am (UTC)The first man she truly falls in love with. Out of everything, that was the part that made Cassidy feel like his insides were going to start tying themselves in knots. The parts about him, his pretending to be a man or whatever — none of that was anything he hadn’t felt before, in his more self-loathing moments. The thought that he really was her first, that she was betting her heart on him...
“You don’t?” he asked in a quiet voice as he looked back down at her. He made her feel that safe? She actually loved him that much?
He really was the biggest wanker in the entire world.
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Date: 2018-07-20 03:46 am (UTC)She inhaled and exhaled a slow steady breath before nodding her head.
"Yeah. You make me feel strong. Like, not by doing anything but when I'm around you, I'm the person I want to be. I really like that person. It's me but stronger." He brought out the best parts of her while chasing away his worries and he didn't do anything special to do this. He acted like Cassidy and that was why Airy loved him.
She didn't know how deeply that love ran, only that it was there.
"You look... unsure about something."
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Date: 2018-07-20 04:07 pm (UTC)That's what you do, isn't it? Play your part.
"Well, it's just," he fumbled slightly, "it's sort of a lot, havin' a mind-readin' psychopath lookin' into your head like that."
It was a new experience for him, was all.
"Was she tellin' the truth, though?" He let his hand cup her shoulder, let himself hold her a bit tighter. He wanted her to feel that he wasn't letting go. "Am I your first?"
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Date: 2018-07-20 04:22 pm (UTC)It was hurt fault that Taila had been able to hurt him. She hadn't been strong enough.
Her shoulders tensed at his question and she closed her eyes. Airy had been weak and in pieces when Cassidy had walked in on her and Taila but she'd heard everything as if it had been whispered perfectly in her ear.
She took a deep breath and then leaned against Cassidy. It was a little awkward since they were sitting in an odd position but Airy didn't care. "Not the first time I've physically been with someone or the first person I dated but... yeah, you're the first person I've ever truly loved... been in love with." She supposed that was the distinction.
Airy hadn't actually told Cassidy any of this. That had been her fear, the simple terror that he would leave and her heart would shatter. This world was already taking it's toll on her but she was trying to keep herself together.
Love was never easy...
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Date: 2018-07-20 05:26 pm (UTC)He'd wound up with one hand still free, so he took a turn petting a finger across Pudge's back. The little fish fluttered and squirmed under his finger. She'd made that for him. He'd restarted his heart for her.
With a thought, he activated the spell, and the tattoo on his hand started to flap its wings. She'd be able to feel the steady heartbeat through his chest.
Of course, it wasn't as simple as I love you, too. There was plenty of other stuff Talia had said that had been true, and Cassidy didn't see much point in trying to deny it. He'd learned something about her she hadn't been ready to tell him -- she'd learned some similar things about him.
"Well, you heard the rest of what she said." He didn't have to do much more than murmur, as close as they were. There was a question buried in it that he couldn't quite put the words to. What did that make you feel? What do you want to know?
How much do you not trust me already?
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Date: 2018-07-21 03:34 am (UTC)She closed her eyes and sat up straighter, shifting so that she was sitting comfortably against his side, with Cassidy's fingers lacing through hers.
"I heard and I'm scared." There was no reason not to be honest with her. "I'm younger and I know that there are a lot of things I don't understand. I really... hate this world. I talked to Matt about it you know because I always thought that sex was something that you do with the person you love but this place isn't like that...." She paused. "It kills me a little."
Airy then continued quickly, not wanting to hear Cassidy's reply until she was done. "It's hard for me to see and I'm scared that you don't love me. That Taila was right and it is just an act. I don't care if you're a monster but... it hurt to think that you might not love me. That it's the reason you don't want to try and be monogamous... even here."
That was how she saw it. If Cassidy didn't want to try and be open and honest, then how could he say he loved her? Did he really love her or was she the only one putting her heart on the line? Airy didn't want to face this yet but she didn't know what to do. She'd never had to deal with these kinds of problems before and she had no way of handling it.
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Date: 2018-07-21 05:24 am (UTC)She sounded so young, going on about one true loves. Like her whole worldview balanced on it. How could he not have noticed it before now?
"I do love you." He shifted his hand in hers, ran his thumb over the backs of her knuckles. "You know, in my dream, after we were done, there were a couple of seconds before I turned my head -- and I was terrified to think that it'd be anyone but you lyin' next to me."
He needed her to know that much, before he got into what came next.
"Talia was right about some things, though. I'm a philanderer. And I manipulate people, sometimes. Use them. Sure. I used a load of people to get what's behind that door, there--" he nodded his head in the direction of the weed cabinet... which, these days, was more of a walk-in closet. "--cause I wanted to make sure I could keep gettin' high."
He leaned down, wanting to meet her eyes a little closer -- or catch them, if she was looking away.
"All that's true."
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Date: 2018-07-22 03:16 pm (UTC)"You used people." She repeated the words, knowing exactly what they meant. He slept with people and was likely eager to do it too. Airy felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes as her heart torn in two. There was the side of her that was so happy that he had wanted her to be the woman in his dream and then there was the part of her that wished that it wasn't like this. That it could just be them and no one else. "I have used people too... in order to try and forget that you were sleeping with others." She wasn't a particularly good person either.
Airy's gaze looked over at the weed cabinet. "-Will you ever have enough?"
Would she at least have a boyfriend who was reluctant instead of eager to fuck other people?
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Date: 2018-07-22 11:59 pm (UTC)She'd slept with other people to try and forget that he was doing the same. But that couldn't have been all she was doing... could it?
He sidestepped the question she'd asked. Did it actually matter whether he answered one thing or other, to that?
"Are you tellin' me," he asked, "you didn't have fun with any of the others? Really? With Matt?" Really? Cassidy straightened his spine. "Cause me, personally, I think Matt's a bloody good way to spend one's time."
So there was one name, if she wanted names.
"And we don't have to be ashamed of it, here!" He made a waving gesture toward the bedroom door, indicating everything out there. "We get to just enjoy it! Love, I know this is gonna sound like a dickhead thing to say, but — honestly, sex without love, it's — it's just sex. It doesn't—" have to be a big deal? No, wait, revise. "It's its own experience, is all. And it can be fun."
Right now, he was thinking that deep down, she knew that.
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Date: 2018-07-24 12:10 am (UTC)She bit her lip hard, using the pain to clear away her thoughts and the ambient emotions she felt twisting uncomfortably in her chest. "I never said we should be ashamed." He hadn't answered her question, he was avoiding it, and it was beginning to get on Airy's nerves. "Okay, I get it. I get that point of view." Matt had said something similar.
"But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about you Cass. If we're going to do this I need to know where you stand. Even if I never ask for it, would you give up sleeping with everyone because you love me?" It was a hypothetical. Airy wasn't sure that she wanted that but she wanted something.
She didn't really know what she wanted.
Would she stop having sex with people if Cassidy asked? Yes. But would she want too? Airy wasn't as sure of the answer to that question. She'd always been told that sex was something you did with one person who loved you but all of those expectations were changing. She wanted to be the person that Cassidy wanted. Not the random person who happened to be there but the person that he went looking for.
Airy didn't know if she was that person to him. They'd talked about it but only part way. It, like so many things here, had devolved into sex. It'd been fantastic but it hadn't really felt like they had a conclusion to the conversation.
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Date: 2018-07-24 05:15 am (UTC)But he could speak in hypotheticals, too.
"If we'd met anywhere the normal rules still applied, you wouldn't even need to ask."
It wasn't like he didn't know how things worked in the real world. You went with one person at a time -- usually, if you were trying to do things right, which Cassidy might have only occasionally tried to do, but he did understand it.
Rules. Where he stood. This was starting to sound like the conversation they'd had after he'd made that personals ad in the tomes. And that had been where their troubles had started, hadn't it?
"Is this still about that one post I made in the books? Cause that was a bloody boneheaded -- I've still no idea what came over me; I'd never done a thing like that in me life. I bet it was some fairy shite, like these dreams. Stir things up. Get us at loggerheads. There's the entertainment they're lookin' for. You know--" he lifted an index finger between them, going into conspiratorial mode, "--I said to Matt's friend, his lady friend, bloody Serena, first week here, I said the fairies were countin' on people buttin' heads as well as bumpin' uglies."
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Date: 2018-07-24 03:05 pm (UTC)He was avoiding her question and that was annoying. Her jaw tightened and she was ready to smack Cassidy if he didn't start listening to what she was saying.
"Maybe I would! I was in your dream remember? I know that it's something that you do when you think you have to do it. Well, guess what? You don't have to date me and you don't have to sleep around. You can do whatever you want. That's kind of true no matter where you are Cass. So it's your choice. No one else. Whatever we do after this mess doesn't even matter right now! I want to know you Cassidy. I want to know things that you like and hate and what you're thinking. I don't care about the excuses that you give yourself or hypotheticals or the shit that you say that make you sound like an asshat."
Airy had no idea what an asshat actually was but it felt like a fitting swear word to throw in there.
"I just want to know about the man that I love. I don't think that I'm asking too much. So what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I like sleeping around? Or that maybe I'm not even fucking upset with you and I'm just frustrated and annoyed and I hate this place. Maybe I just want to kick something really hard because I hate feeling angry but I'm angry. I get that we're all puppets on some supernatural fairy mongers butt... heads... strings." She was slowly losing the steam of her rant and by this point Airy wasn't even sure where she was going with it.
"I just." Her voice fell a little bit and she let the heat fall out of her words. "I want to really know you Cassidy and I want you to know me too." She didn't want him looking for other people to sleep with but she understood if he didn't want to pass on a chance. That happened a lot here. But she still wanted to be the person who knew him best.
Airy was silent for all of five seconds before she spoke again. "And you know what else. I want to do a lot of super kinky things. I do. I end up doing that with other people though because we don't or didn't, sort of did recently, but we didn't talk about that. Or... I don't know. It's all super frustrating. Everything is and I don't even know what part of it is actually bothering me or what I'm talking about." She suddenly felt very tired.
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Date: 2018-07-24 07:45 pm (UTC)All this while, because he hadn't been told to go anywhere else, Pudge had remained hovering over Cassidy's knee. Since he hadn't had a command for the last several minutes, he'd started to go into idle mode, doing little circles and wiggles in midair. The motions were a touch too cheery for the moment, and it was starting to grate on Cassidy's nerves.
"For God's sakes -- go to your bowl," he commanded with a sharp point, and Pudge squiggled around and swam home, obedient as you like. Not sentient enough to understand the tension in the air.
Cassidy scrubbed a hand over his face. She didn't know what she was talking about. He'd lost the plot of the conversation as well. But it didn't much matter how they'd gotten here.
"Okay... okay." There was at least one thing she'd said that pointed in a new direction for the conversation. "You want to know me. And I - I - I've not been lyin' to 'ya all these months about who I am, Airy. You do know me. Parts of."
Stumbling a little, there, because he felt any pushback on her perception might only land him in more trouble, but he had to say it.
"But ask me anythin'." If she didn't like the answers... they'd both have to live with it. "No bullshit. I promise."
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Date: 2018-07-24 08:07 pm (UTC)Maybe later... after... after all this.
Her attention returned to Cassidy as he spoke. Parts of. That was natural. It wasn't as if they've had years together. They were both still learning about each other but this place kept making Airy want something more since she couldn't have what she was used too.
"It's selfish of me... isn't it? To keep asking you for things. I'm really sorry. I don't think you've ever done that but I'm... insecure. Everyone here is prettier than I am, more confident. I really don't get it and it's stupid. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but I'm scared that if we go wherever that I'll lose you and you'll find someone else you'd rather spend your time with." Airy reached for his hand and let her fingers lace through his. "You don't have to say anything. I know it's my problem. I've never had oodles of confidence and... I mean everyone here is ridiculously gorgeous." It was weird and in this particular instance, uncomfortable.
"So one question and... you can ask me questions too, I mean, if you want." She gently turned over his hand and began to draw lines in his palm. "Would you want to have a family with me? Not here and not now. But if we ever got to your home or mine. Would you want to have a kid and a life where we're a family? I realize that's a lot of what-if's but... as messed up as that dream was... it was nice too. I didn't think I could have something like that after every but... you kinda made me hope for it again. Denis is a cute name."
She tried to keep her tone even and her expression light but Airy was sad. It wasn't a feeling that she could completely shake and she was never good at hiding how she felt.
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Date: 2018-07-24 10:19 pm (UTC)In the couple of silent seconds where he considered the question, he found his heart feeling both heavier and lighter than it had a moment ago. Heavy because he felt how important this was to her. Lighter because... well, because he'd enjoyed the fantasy of it, too. The thought of having a family with her. And because he'd felt that moment of terror when he thought he might be sharing a family with anyone else.
All right. No bullshit. He'd promised.
"Yeah, well, Denis as a name is already taken," he said, his voice low, a little solemn. He looked down to where her fingers met his palm, tracing out those little patterns. "His mum and I, we stayed together for the wrong reasons. Which seemed like the right ones at the time. Hindsight bein' twenty-twenty, and all that."
There was always the chance he would screw it up for completely new and interesting reasons, which was why: "It's not somethin' I've been eager to try again, with anyone. But." He made himself lift his eyes, look her in the face again. "I might, if I was with 'ya. A strong maybe's as close as I've got to it in decades."
And they had only been seeing one another for a little over six months. But if he was feeling 'maybe' at this stage of things, that had to mean something, right?
"And I know the way you feel about yourself sometimes." He readjusted the arm that was around her shoulders, let it settle over her a bit further. "You're right that almost everyone here is bloody gorgeous... but if you could see yourself the way I do. You've got this light that comes out from the inside of 'ya, somewhere. It's always there when you smile. It's the loveliest thing I've ever seen."
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Date: 2018-07-24 11:41 pm (UTC)"That's a good answer." Her voice was very soft as she leaned against his side. Airy wouldn't have thought he was serious if he jumped at the chance to have a family with her. Even she balanced the line between wanting a family and wishing the desire would leave her alone. Maybe was a good answer, it meant he thought about it and it meant that he hadn't dismissed it completely.
She closed her eyes and leaned against his shoulder, inhaling the musk and heat of his shirt. She wanted to cry but she knew that it wouldn't really make things better. It wouldn't make things worse except that then she'd get tears everywhere.
"I wish I could see myself like that." Airy whispered against his side. "Maybe I wouldn't be such a doofus about all this. I hate feeling like I'm not enough." She kept her eyes closed and exhaled a slow unsure breath. "Can I ask the question I asked before? About you looking for other people to sleep with? I know I've done it once. It was with Matt. I wanted to talk to him about you and I couldn't really do that with anyone else or with you. I prefer you but sometimes I just let things happen. I feel bad about it too or like maybe it's uneven. Then I usually end up missing you."
Airy shook her head. "I bet that all sounds really dumb doesn't it? But I also hate sleeping alone though. So it's very easy to miss you." She didn't know what else she was saying but she wanted to talk and she wanted Cassidy to talk too. Maybe the question she asked wasn't the one she met but she didn't know how to put her questions into words.
"I'm just talking."
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