riotousjunkie | IC Inbox (ainmhian)

It doesn't feel like we have that here. That one burned a little. In Cassidy's mind, they had plenty that was just theirs. Everything that they were when it was just them. How could she say they didn't have anything?

She sounded so young, going on about one true loves. Like her whole worldview balanced on it. How could he not have noticed it before now?

"I do love you." He shifted his hand in hers, ran his thumb over the backs of her knuckles. "You know, in my dream, after we were done, there were a couple of seconds before I turned my head -- and I was terrified to think that it'd be anyone but you lyin' next to me."

He needed her to know that much, before he got into what came next.

"Talia was right about some things, though. I'm a philanderer. And I manipulate people, sometimes. Use them. Sure. I used a load of people to get what's behind that door, there--" he nodded his head in the direction of the weed cabinet... which, these days, was more of a walk-in closet. "--cause I wanted to make sure I could keep gettin' high."

He leaned down, wanting to meet her eyes a little closer -- or catch them, if she was looking away.

"All that's true."

"I know you love me and I love you too. I'm just... I'm trying to understand. Matt said-" She exhaled a slow breath. "He said that sex didn't mean love and affection to everyone but that's how I was raised. I'm trying to change my point of view but it's hard because I think that you'd rather have sex with other people instead of me. When I'm right here, waiting." She closed her eyes and tried to wrap her thoughts around everything. "It's hard for me but you're worth it. It's worth it. So I want to know your thoughts. Tell me why, who even, I don't want any more unspoken anything. It isn't making it better." It was only putting more stress on Airy as her imagination ran away with her.

"You used people." She repeated the words, knowing exactly what they meant. He slept with people and was likely eager to do it too. Airy felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes as her heart torn in two. There was the side of her that was so happy that he had wanted her to be the woman in his dream and then there was the part of her that wished that it wasn't like this. That it could just be them and no one else. "I have used people too... in order to try and forget that you were sleeping with others." She wasn't a particularly good person either.

Airy's gaze looked over at the weed cabinet. "-Will you ever have enough?"

Would she at least have a boyfriend who was reluctant instead of eager to fuck other people?

"Rather? It's not rather—" he managed to squeeze in, just before she started saying how she wanted to know everything. It wasn't that he'd rather sleep with other people than her. Just... in addition to? As soon as he thought that, he realized it would have been a total arsehole thing to say. It'd been for the best he'd been cut off.

She'd slept with other people to try and forget that he was doing the same. But that couldn't have been all she was doing... could it?

He sidestepped the question she'd asked. Did it actually matter whether he answered one thing or other, to that?

"Are you tellin' me," he asked, "you didn't have fun with any of the others? Really? With Matt?" Really? Cassidy straightened his spine. "Cause me, personally, I think Matt's a bloody good way to spend one's time."

So there was one name, if she wanted names.

"And we don't have to be ashamed of it, here!" He made a waving gesture toward the bedroom door, indicating everything out there. "We get to just enjoy it! Love, I know this is gonna sound like a dickhead thing to say, but — honestly, sex without love, it's — it's just sex. It doesn't—" have to be a big deal? No, wait, revise. "It's its own experience, is all. And it can be fun."

Right now, he was thinking that deep down, she knew that.

"I guess but I'd still rather sleep with you given the choice." Airy didn't think it was such a difficult concept to understand but the way Cassidy made it sound....

She bit her lip hard, using the pain to clear away her thoughts and the ambient emotions she felt twisting uncomfortably in her chest. "I never said we should be ashamed." He hadn't answered her question, he was avoiding it, and it was beginning to get on Airy's nerves. "Okay, I get it. I get that point of view." Matt had said something similar.

"But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about you Cass. If we're going to do this I need to know where you stand. Even if I never ask for it, would you give up sleeping with everyone because you love me?" It was a hypothetical. Airy wasn't sure that she wanted that but she wanted something.

She didn't really know what she wanted.

Would she stop having sex with people if Cassidy asked? Yes. But would she want too? Airy wasn't as sure of the answer to that question. She'd always been told that sex was something you did with one person who loved you but all of those expectations were changing. She wanted to be the person that Cassidy wanted. Not the random person who happened to be there but the person that he went looking for.

Airy didn't know if she was that person to him. They'd talked about it but only part way. It, like so many things here, had devolved into sex. It'd been fantastic but it hadn't really felt like they had a conclusion to the conversation.

That was the sort of question that felt like a trap. Like there was no actual good answer. Oh, there might seem like there was a good answer, but if he said yes, she might call his bluff.

But he could speak in hypotheticals, too.

"If we'd met anywhere the normal rules still applied, you wouldn't even need to ask."

It wasn't like he didn't know how things worked in the real world. You went with one person at a time -- usually, if you were trying to do things right, which Cassidy might have only occasionally tried to do, but he did understand it.

Rules. Where he stood. This was starting to sound like the conversation they'd had after he'd made that personals ad in the tomes. And that had been where their troubles had started, hadn't it?

"Is this still about that one post I made in the books? Cause that was a bloody boneheaded -- I've still no idea what came over me; I'd never done a thing like that in me life. I bet it was some fairy shite, like these dreams. Stir things up. Get us at loggerheads. There's the entertainment they're lookin' for. You know--" he lifted an index finger between them, going into conspiratorial mode, "--I said to Matt's friend, his lady friend, bloody Serena, first week here, I said the fairies were countin' on people buttin' heads as well as bumpin' uglies."

Edited 2018-07-24 05:25 (UTC)

The answer to her question was slowly becoming the least important part of the conversation.

He was avoiding her question and that was annoying. Her jaw tightened and she was ready to smack Cassidy if he didn't start listening to what she was saying.

"Maybe I would! I was in your dream remember? I know that it's something that you do when you think you have to do it. Well, guess what? You don't have to date me and you don't have to sleep around. You can do whatever you want. That's kind of true no matter where you are Cass. So it's your choice. No one else. Whatever we do after this mess doesn't even matter right now! I want to know you Cassidy. I want to know things that you like and hate and what you're thinking. I don't care about the excuses that you give yourself or hypotheticals or the shit that you say that make you sound like an asshat."

Airy had no idea what an asshat actually was but it felt like a fitting swear word to throw in there.

"I just want to know about the man that I love. I don't think that I'm asking too much. So what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I like sleeping around? Or that maybe I'm not even fucking upset with you and I'm just frustrated and annoyed and I hate this place. Maybe I just want to kick something really hard because I hate feeling angry but I'm angry. I get that we're all puppets on some supernatural fairy mongers butt... heads... strings." She was slowly losing the steam of her rant and by this point Airy wasn't even sure where she was going with it.

"I just." Her voice fell a little bit and she let the heat fall out of her words. "I want to really know you Cassidy and I want you to know me too." She didn't want him looking for other people to sleep with but she understood if he didn't want to pass on a chance. That happened a lot here. But she still wanted to be the person who knew him best.

Airy was silent for all of five seconds before she spoke again. "And you know what else. I want to do a lot of super kinky things. I do. I end up doing that with other people though because we don't or didn't, sort of did recently, but we didn't talk about that. Or... I don't know. It's all super frustrating. Everything is and I don't even know what part of it is actually bothering me or what I'm talking about." She suddenly felt very tired.

I want to do a lot of super kinky things. Cassidy's lips pressed into a thin line. Earlier in the month, he'd put in a request for a scandalous leather dress. It hadn't arrived yet. What the hell were the fairies waiting on, a special occasion? Had he not done enough, this time?

All this while, because he hadn't been told to go anywhere else, Pudge had remained hovering over Cassidy's knee. Since he hadn't had a command for the last several minutes, he'd started to go into idle mode, doing little circles and wiggles in midair. The motions were a touch too cheery for the moment, and it was starting to grate on Cassidy's nerves.

"For God's sakes -- go to your bowl," he commanded with a sharp point, and Pudge squiggled around and swam home, obedient as you like. Not sentient enough to understand the tension in the air.

Cassidy scrubbed a hand over his face. She didn't know what she was talking about. He'd lost the plot of the conversation as well. But it didn't much matter how they'd gotten here.

"Okay... okay." There was at least one thing she'd said that pointed in a new direction for the conversation. "You want to know me. And I - I - I've not been lyin' to 'ya all these months about who I am, Airy. You do know me. Parts of."

Stumbling a little, there, because he felt any pushback on her perception might only land him in more trouble, but he had to say it.

"But ask me anythin'." If she didn't like the answers... they'd both have to live with it. "No bullshit. I promise."

Airy flinched as Cassidy commanded Pudge to return to his bowl. She'd honestly forgot that he was there but now her gaze went back to him. She watched as the little fish wiggled and put another layer on top of him. One that she wondered if she'd even tell Cassidy about.

Maybe later... after... after all this.

Her attention returned to Cassidy as he spoke. Parts of. That was natural. It wasn't as if they've had years together. They were both still learning about each other but this place kept making Airy want something more since she couldn't have what she was used too.

"It's selfish of me... isn't it? To keep asking you for things. I'm really sorry. I don't think you've ever done that but I'm... insecure. Everyone here is prettier than I am, more confident. I really don't get it and it's stupid. I wouldn't want to be anyone else but I'm scared that if we go wherever that I'll lose you and you'll find someone else you'd rather spend your time with." Airy reached for his hand and let her fingers lace through his. "You don't have to say anything. I know it's my problem. I've never had oodles of confidence and... I mean everyone here is ridiculously gorgeous." It was weird and in this particular instance, uncomfortable.

"So one question and... you can ask me questions too, I mean, if you want." She gently turned over his hand and began to draw lines in his palm. "Would you want to have a family with me? Not here and not now. But if we ever got to your home or mine. Would you want to have a kid and a life where we're a family? I realize that's a lot of what-if's but... as messed up as that dream was... it was nice too. I didn't think I could have something like that after every but... you kinda made me hope for it again. Denis is a cute name."

She tried to keep her tone even and her expression light but Airy was sad. It wasn't a feeling that she could completely shake and she was never good at hiding how she felt.

In his mind, he'd been turning over a few guesses as to what she might ask. That hadn't been one of them.

In the couple of silent seconds where he considered the question, he found his heart feeling both heavier and lighter than it had a moment ago. Heavy because he felt how important this was to her. Lighter because... well, because he'd enjoyed the fantasy of it, too. The thought of having a family with her. And because he'd felt that moment of terror when he thought he might be sharing a family with anyone else.

All right. No bullshit. He'd promised.

"Yeah, well, Denis as a name is already taken," he said, his voice low, a little solemn. He looked down to where her fingers met his palm, tracing out those little patterns. "His mum and I, we stayed together for the wrong reasons. Which seemed like the right ones at the time. Hindsight bein' twenty-twenty, and all that."

There was always the chance he would screw it up for completely new and interesting reasons, which was why: "It's not somethin' I've been eager to try again, with anyone. But." He made himself lift his eyes, look her in the face again. "I might, if I was with 'ya. A strong maybe's as close as I've got to it in decades."

And they had only been seeing one another for a little over six months. But if he was feeling 'maybe' at this stage of things, that had to mean something, right?

"And I know the way you feel about yourself sometimes." He readjusted the arm that was around her shoulders, let it settle over her a bit further. "You're right that almost everyone here is bloody gorgeous... but if you could see yourself the way I do. You've got this light that comes out from the inside of 'ya, somewhere. It's always there when you smile. It's the loveliest thing I've ever seen."

Airy looked up to meet his gaze and felt her heart quiver in her chest. Cassidy always had the affect on her, he made her feel things that no one else had or could. She wanted to know if it was the same for him, what he was feeling or maybe there was a way to compare, but maybe somethings you couldn't compare.

"That's a good answer." Her voice was very soft as she leaned against his side. Airy wouldn't have thought he was serious if he jumped at the chance to have a family with her. Even she balanced the line between wanting a family and wishing the desire would leave her alone. Maybe was a good answer, it meant he thought about it and it meant that he hadn't dismissed it completely.

She closed her eyes and leaned against his shoulder, inhaling the musk and heat of his shirt. She wanted to cry but she knew that it wouldn't really make things better. It wouldn't make things worse except that then she'd get tears everywhere.

"I wish I could see myself like that." Airy whispered against his side. "Maybe I wouldn't be such a doofus about all this. I hate feeling like I'm not enough." She kept her eyes closed and exhaled a slow unsure breath. "Can I ask the question I asked before? About you looking for other people to sleep with? I know I've done it once. It was with Matt. I wanted to talk to him about you and I couldn't really do that with anyone else or with you. I prefer you but sometimes I just let things happen. I feel bad about it too or like maybe it's uneven. Then I usually end up missing you."

Airy shook her head. "I bet that all sounds really dumb doesn't it? But I also hate sleeping alone though. So it's very easy to miss you." She didn't know what else she was saying but she wanted to talk and she wanted Cassidy to talk too. Maybe the question she asked wasn't the one she met but she didn't know how to put her questions into words.

"I'm just talking."

There, he thought, was one place their difference in age and experience seemed to show.

“Me, I’ve slept alone plenty in me life. Must’ve got used to it.”

He wouldn’t wait much longer before answering her question. He’d avoided it long enough.

“I don’t go lookin’ for people. Not since the one time. I mean... I look at people.” Which wasn’t the same as looking for them — right? “And I let things happen, too.” His voice was a touch quieter as he added: “Maybe a bit too often.”

He could admit that. He’d been adhering to the letter of the rules they’d set down, but maybe not always the spirit.

“You know, Matt — he considers himself the third person in this relationship,” he went on in a somewhat lighter tone, waving a finger between them. “D’you know that? He told me.”

Airy nodded her head though the motion was sort and lazy since she didn't want to lift her head off of Cassidy's shoulder.

She didn't want to get used to sleeping alone but she understood the necessity. If she went home... she'd be alone and would likely have to get used to it too. "Well, if you ever don't want to be alone. You should come to my room. I'd say let's do it both ways but that doesn't really seem fair." Since she'd just admitted to not liking sleeping alone.

"I look too. I mean you were there when we were both ogling Thor." That had been a fun relaxing afternoon.

Airy shifted a bit as Cassidy finally answered her question. She looked up at him and tried to figure out what he meant. "Too often?" Did that mean he did sleep around a lot more? Did he not want too? Did he feel bad? It was hard to tell but his tone had changed and Airy didn't know what that meant.

After this whole mess she didn't really want to assume anything else.

"Wait.. what?" Airy wanted to ask about his previous inflection with the words 'too often' but now she was also thinking about Matt. "He said that? He always keeps telling me he doesn't want to come between us. I kind of talk to him about things hoping for a level of perspective or balance... we see how that might not always work anyway." She pouted a bit.

Airy's been on a whirlwind of emotions in the last twenty minutes and they were all jumbled together now.

“Well, he may not want to break us up, but I don’t think he’d mind comin’ between us, if y’know what I mean.”

Look, Airy, you’d put it right there for him. He was even going to dare a bit of a wicked smile. Comin’ between us. Eh? Eh?

He let his effort to lighten the mood linger in the air for a moment before going on.

“Yeah... a bit too often.” It was hard to explain what made it feel like that. He wasn’t exactly bothered by the sex itself. More... more the framing of it. “I mean, I’m not one to put up much resistance to temptation, most days. And people here, they don’t seem to put stock in any sort of commitment whatsoever. One person... I asked if it bothered her that I had a girlfriend, and she laughed in me face. Bloody brutal, now that I’m thinkin’ about it.”

He didn’t know what to add to that, beyond: “I’m sorry, Airy. I shoulda known better.”

Airy sat up so she could meet Cassidy's gaze.

She smiled at him and then playfully punched his shoulder, "You know what I meant. Though, yeah, I imagine him being literally between us maybe won't be too bad or maybe I can be in the middle since you guys are taller than me..." This wasn't what she'd planned to think about right now.

The thought was waved away as she focused on Cassidy's explanation.

"Wait. You're serious. Someone actually laughed at you?" That pissed Airy off. Not that Cassidy slept with this person, that was it's own kind of bad judgment, but that they had laughed at their relationship. "Wow." She sat back a little bit, just absorbing that knowledge. "And you slept with them?" She had no really strong feels about that part, maybe disappointment and then just annoyed that this person had laughed at their relationship.

She hummed softly. "So, you're sorry." Cassidy was sorry a lot sometimes but sorry didn't mean that anything was going to change. "Is that like, you're going to maybe be a little more... I can't think of a nice way to say it." She was thinking something along the lines of self respect. She wanted people to know they were dating, she'd told people, but that's because that relationship should be respected... not laughed at.

Maybe that really bothered her.

"Be honest with me Cass, is it weird that the laughing part of the story bothers me more than the sleeping with part."

"No. No, we're on the same page, there." It was cruelty of it that was striking him... striking him now, now that he was looking at it from a semi-sober perspective.

"We were both pretty drunk. I know, that's not a proper excuse, but it's..." an explanation didn't seem good enough. God knows that he was pretty drunk often enough that he couldn't blame every bad decision on it. "...I dunno. Maybe it's nothin'."

He hadn't quite known what she was reaching for when she couldn't find the words, just there, but now he thinks he might.

"I won't let anyone not take us seriously. Not anymore."

"Okay." She paused and shifted a bit.

It really annoyed her that someone had laughed at them but Airy decided to let it go. This was a moment where she was better off not knowing because Airy was entirely the kind of person to confront whoever had done that.

"So um... do you have any questions for me?" She tugged at Cassidy's arm, pulling him down towards the bed so she could snuggle against him. She wasn't out of questions but nothing was coming to mind right now. At the same time, they were talking she wanted to keep things going. Airy didn't know if the too often would be curbed at all but they were both figuring this out and would likely talk about it if any specific situation came up. As it was, Airy felt a little bit better about how things were, as if talking had actually helped.

"I mean, about the dream or anything. I don't..." Her lips pressed together. "I don't like talking about it but I'll tell you."

Lying down. Yes. Cassidy settled back onto the bed and lifted his arm so she could curl up under it. His hand wound up resting against her hair, much like he had at the end of her dream.

He thought for a moment about what to ask. Whether he should ask in the first place. There was an appeal to leaving the past in the past... but there was also a small voice at the back of his head whispering that if he didn’t ask anything, it might look like he didn’t care.

“How did you get out?” She had said something about a fire...

Airy looped her leg around his and snuggled against his side. It was comfortable and her young more innocent nature would have even remarked that they fit together, ignoring the fact that women and men were naturally made to fit together

Her fingers gently brushed against his wrist and abdomen, little sighs to show him that she was focused on him and nothing else. "You really want to know?" She asked in a light curious tone. Airy hadn't expected Cassidy to ask her any questions but this one was a rather easy one to answer.

"I didn't know how long I was there, not at first. After the fact I was told that it was six weeks. I never got the exact dates and of course it all felt longer while I was in that cell. I was... broken. It's why there is weird magic inside of my head. At first it was to hold me together but now it's something I built around. Anyway. I don't remember a lot. There was darkness and then Taila told me to sleep." She ran her finger from his navel to his side and then back again. "Then I remember darkness and then fire. It wasn't like a burning pain but a comforting one. I found out later that it'd been Nathan. He'd found others to come rescue me and in doing so... he'd been the one to find me. He burned everyone there except for me. I don't know why or how but I do know that after that he had to leave. I met him recently before arriving here in the castle but I'm not sure if he is the same as the friend I had before. For a while it was just me, him and Antonio. After all that, things changed. I was safe, he was gone and learning to control his powers."

Airy had understood later but she never really forgave Nathan for leaving her alone when she needed someone by her side. She'd been beyond shattered then and it'd taken a long time to put herself back together.

Nathan. Cassidy had gotten a distinctive protective vibe off the guy which had been all too familiar. Although it seemed like Airy, if she even recognized it for what it was, hadn’t taken it any further than that.

“He saved your life, and then he took off?” He asked, like what a shame.

Airy nodded her head in a sad but confirming gesture. "Yeah." Nathan had always had a lot of problems, a lot of anger, but Airy had been sad when he left without a word. No one liked to feel abandoned. "It kinda sucked but I had Antonio with me. He help me stay myself and heal."

He had also stopped Airy from accidentally making herself disappearing.

"Is that all?" Her fingers ran in a lazy line up and down his chest. "Um... while this weird dream thing is happening? If it's still happening. Is it okay if I crash here? I just. I'm worried that it might still be happening."

It could be all for now, definitely. Cassidy didn't want to make her dwell any further on something she didn't like to talk about.

His fingers trailed lightly through her hair. She'd be welcome to stay in his bed for a while, if the dreams were bothering her -- he'd even do her one better. "Hell, we could spend the whole day together today, if y'want. I've got nothin' else."

As if he ever had anything else planned, here, outside of seeing her every few days.

"Really?" Airy perked up, her expression brightening to it's usual fantastic radiance. She had been weighed down by the dreams and thrown a little off but Airy never stopped being a glowing ray of light. "Can I hold you down to the bed and have my way with you?" She laughed softly as she snuggled against his side. She wasn't tired or interested in going back to sleep but she liked feeling close to him and next to sex, snuggling let her feel close to him.

Maybe they can take a bath together or explore more of the city. Airy went through a lot of things they could do in the back of her mind and, while it wasn't one of their usual days to meet, she was happy to commandeer Cassidy's time.

"Oof," Cassidy sighed, like she might be hugging him a bit too tight. This conversation had been a fucking rollercoaster, and after everything, the sudden burst of affection had him a little dizzy...

...but his smile was still fond, and he squeezed her back playfully. "Why? Is there some way you want it?"

Edited 2018-07-29 19:53 (UTC)

"Maybe."

She closed her eyes and pressed her face against his shoulder, inhaling the pleasant scent of his skin. Her insides were all in knots but she felt lighter. "Maybe I just want to be in charge. Pay you back for that dream." I'd been a little rough but what surprised Airy the most was that she hadn't hated the feeling. In fact, she kind of liked it. It was different and different was sometimes fun.

After everything, she wanted to focus on things that were fun; on Cassidy.

“Hng.” He sighed through his nose, a little curl of excitement appearing in his lips. Maybe they’d have a use for that dress after all, once he’d got it. “You’ll pin me to the bed and put your paws all over me...?”

He had a second to think about how sexy that sounded before he remembered that he was describing what he’d done to her in the dream. Context being everything, maybe there’d be a time he could imagine being that rough with her in a good way, but — not today. Dream Cassidy had been a revisit to a darker period of his past.

Maybe they needed just one more thing to finish chasing away the ghosts.

“D’you wanna smoke a j first?”

/last words

imaginationswoes - 2018-07-29 21:35 (UTC) - Expand

IC Inbox (ainmhian)

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/end unless you have final words

/last words