riotousjunkie | IC Inbox (ainmhian)

Did you like it?

[She's trying to keep the conversation positive but she also wants to know more. When was the last time he lived one on one with someone he cared about? What had happened? Is this why he doesn't want to move in with her? How many places has he been? Has he lost them all?

What would that feel like?

Airy reaches forward and takes Cassidy's free hand, intertwining his fingers with hers before grabbing another french fry.]

It was lovely. [A long time ago, but the memories are still clear. It was lovely... until it wasn't. Until things went south, and he'd had to leave. That had been at the end, though.]

There was this girl, Sheila... and this other one. Stacy. [Airy doesn't like hearing about him with other women, though. Also, those two are tied up in the whole going-south bit, so Cassidy shifts away from them quick. He's rambling, now, letting the mushrooms direct the path of his thoughts, and only applying a bit of mental steering when it's needed.] A bunch of other people. We spent most of the time outside, when it wasn't wintertime. The houses were basically a place to keep all our shite and sleep in. Which, really, often I've found, that's all a house is when y'get down to it. A place to keep your shite and rest up.

So you were in a threeway relationship thing?

[Airy doesn't like hearing about people she's slept with here but people who were firmly in the past don't bother her. She has ex's too but that had been before Cassidy. With Cassidy, she wants it to just be the two of them. She doesn't want to walk around and wonder if he's slept with the people she meets.]

That's true. It's really sharing a place to sleep that I'm asking for then.

[Her lips press together.]

Cassidy, what happened?

The last days of the free love movement. Everyone was sleepin' with someone or multiple someones, there.

[Is she really just asking for a place to sleep together? That seems transparently not the case.

Thing about shrooms is, they tend to make things very clear and cosmic and profound. A fractal kaleidoscope of sacred geometry. The melting colors in the distance are starting to crystallize.

This is a mirror-world they've found themselves in. They can try to apply the normal models, but something about it is always going to be uncanny and backwards, which isn't a bad thing, necessarily. It's only that left is right and up is down, and that takes some getting used to.

At the same time... here she is, holding his hand. Which brings him back to the first thought he'd had when he started reading the flyer. Only in a mirror-world like this would he be even entertaining this question.

When she asks him what happened, his mind links it with his own crystallizing thoughts, and he answers:]

What happened... that's a big bloody question. [What happened that got them here? The shrooms want him to start the story at the beginning of time, but no, better to skip over some bits.] Love is a fuckin' powerful force, really, when you can grab hold of it. It's gotta be the real thing wit'cha. Honestly. Cause I... I hate the thought of bein' without ya. No matter what else.

[Maybe it's because he's high but Airy suddenly feels like she can't follow him.] Yeah. [People in those days all slept with each other. That makes sense... though Airy has nothing but movie references to fall back on.

Then Cassidy continues but it feels like he's jumping in between stories. Something happened but then he's talking about Airy and loosing her???]

Cassidy? [Her fingers tighten around his and she presses a light kiss against his cheek.] Why do you think you're going to be without me? I'm here, right. And I always want to be here. [Which is also why Airy had been thinking of them getting a house together.]

Just tell me what's going on, what are you worried about?

[Next time she's going to wait until he's not high to ask him important questions.]

[It's a cycle, with friends and romances. He finds people, he gets close, and then he gets pushed away. Or he pulls himself away. Or someone dies, or almost dies, from violence or circumstance or because that's just what people do, sometimes.

Everything ends. Something always starts again, eventually, but it makes being in the middle of it an existential rollercoaster. Because what else is he supposed to do? Resign to being eternally miserable?

All this goes through his head while he's looking at her in the wake of the kiss, pondering the stained-glass blue of her eyes while eating a couple of fries. She's so beautiful.]

It's just never worked out, me livin' with people. [There it is. He'd promised her once that he'd let her see the truth about himself. Against all his expectations, it hasn't driven her off yet.] Sooner or later, that turns out t'be the first nail in the coffin. And I never thought the fairies would want us out of the castle.

[All of a sudden, the cosmic dissociation provided by the 'shrooms starts working to his advantage. He can sit with the reality of the choice in sharp, brutal terms.] I could say no. And that'd be a let-down for ya. I'd have let ya down. I can see that. Or — I could say yes.

[And... wait, why is that supposed to be a bad thing again? He could swear he had it a second ago. It's slipping away.

Oh. Right.]

Sheila... she took an overdose and almost died. Stacy got scared. Then bloody Derek tells me to pack up me shite and go...

[Should he be telling her this? Fuck. It feels like a confession, the glassy sheen on the world puts him very much in mind of a church, but maybe she is going to be his savior. It wouldn't be the first time he's thought so.

His hand squeezes hers back, hard.]

I just don't wanna skip to the part where it all gets messed up. [Like he'd said in his dream, an echo of another time he'd tried to make it work living with someone — think I'll get it right, this time?]

[Airy reaches forward, cupping his cheeks in her palms and turning his face towards her. She's kneeling in front of him now, her bright blue eyes searching and pained.]

We'll talk about this again when you aren't high but Cassidy.

[She exhales a slow breath and steadies her voice.]

I'm not human. That isn't going to happen. I'm not going to die and while I can't promise that this won't somehow go up in flames, it's worth taking the chance. Look at everything we've already been through and we're still together. I've never felt what I have had with you and I'm not going to just give you up.

I might be disappointed. You have the power to affect me but it's because I let you. I give you that power. I love you Proinsias Cassidy. It isn't logical and trust me, it makes no sense, but I'm here with you and I'm willing to fight for you.

[She leans forward and presses her forehead to his.]

And I will tell you that every single day for the rest of our lives until you remember it.

[She turns his face to look at her, and now she's taking up almost his entire field of vision. It's partially a trick of the eye caused by his hallucinating brain, and Cassidy knows that, but it doesn't mean he can do anything about it. He finds himself feeling as though he's looking up at her, as if she's taken over the sky and the world for a moment, just to deliver this message.

The concept of destiny and the universe or God having a plan is total bullshit. As far as Cassidy's concerned, this might as well be Exhibit A. In a just universe, in one that made sense, he and Airy never would've met.

None of that changes the fact that, despite the infinite number of potential paths and possibilities, they did. Every event of a hundred and twenty years, every choice that shaped him, every personal disaster... they didn't lead him anywhere else. They led him here.

For reasons he couldn't start to explain, things change when she uses his first name. She shrinks down and becomes a normal, Airy-sized person again, and he's just a man sitting on the edge of a walkway with a mostly-eaten tray of fries in his lap. Who is suddenly feeling exhausted and a little teary-eyed.]

I never meant for anyone t'get hurt. [Look, he knows how quickly this escalated. In a distant corner of his mind that still recognizes reality, he knows. Unfortunately, the only thing having that knowledge does is make it worse.] Christ...

[He doesn't want to disengage from her too much, but he does lift a hand to wipe down his face.]

God, I am so bloody stoned right now. Jesus.

I know. [She presses her lips to his in a light chaste kiss before pulling Cassidy into a light hug. Airy has no idea what's going on inside of his head. She feels as if she'd only gotten a part of the story but it made one thing very clear.

Cassidy isn't as confident as he likes to pretend. She'd already knew that to a degree but this is the first time that she's really seen how hard he's been trying and she wants to help him. He doesn't have to face his demons alone.]

And I know that too. [She smiles at him before letting her arms fall back down to her sides.] I have an idea. Let's go to my room or Neverland or wherever. We'll shag and eat fries and relax. We'll talk more when you aren't so ridiculously high.

I just want you to know that I'm here Cass. You don't have to face anything on your own but I want you to also remember that I said that.

[Airy smiles and presses another kiss to his forehead. She is completely taken in by him and has no idea if he realizes how much he's captivated her.]

[Cassidy feels like something very, very big just happened, and he can't tell anymore how much of that is real and how much is the drug.

It's gotta be the drug. Mostly.]

You said it. Yeah, we're — we're both sayin' things. These fairy mushrooms are no joke. Not in the least bit.

[There's a half-choked quality to his voice, still, but he's getting himself back under control. At least when he has a moment like that where he breaks down, even when he's high, it doesn't tend to last long.

He reaches out to loop an arm around her shoulders. He likes knowing that she’s here.]

It’s a nice view from up here, y’know? It’s lovely.

[Something big but also something small. It'd been nothing but really important. Airy finally understood the root of all of Cassidy's uncertainties. He'd lived for so long knowing that there was going to be an end and causing some of those ends. Airy can see the darkness in him and while it doesn't rule him, it'll always be a part of him. She doesn't want that darkness to hurt him anymore.

She leans forward and presses another kiss against his forehead before slipping next to him and curling against his side.]

Yeah. I tried some the other day. They an be intense. [Her fingers continued to brush the back of his hand as she came to the conclusion that she'll have to wait out Cassidy's high to talk to about this.]

It is.

This place is... really pretty.

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