riotousjunkie | IC Inbox (ainmhian)

[Cassidy is sitting on the edge of the one of the walkways that curve around a massive tree trunk, looking out at the view of the city. He's got his tome next to him, and the little box where he keeps his cigarettes and joints.

Fries and news. This should be fun.]

I've not seen anythin' about houses. Although I did see what looked to be somebody flyin'. [He gestures out at the view.] Out by the edge of the Wilds.

[Airy takes a seat at Cassidy's side, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before placing the offering of french fries into his lap.]

That could be. [She smiles at him and laughs.] I know a few people here who can fly. Anyway, these flyers.

[She pulls the paper from her pocket.]

We can get a house now and move away from the castle and... and I want to live with you Cassidy.

[When she takes out the paper, Cassidy gives a frown that's meant to be thoughtful, but might come off more confused. He takes the paper from her and reads it with a squint. Parcels of land within the city of Ainmhian have been allotted for the purpose of housing...]

You wanna get a house? [His brain is taking a couple of seconds to catch up to things. Like - oh, hey - the fact that the fries are in his lap. He pinches a couple between his fingers and folds them into his mouth while he finishes reading the flyer.]

[Airy reaches over and steals some of the fries while Cassidy inspects the flyer. She knows that he's high and doesn't really blame him for taking his time with it. Airy's honestly used to Cassidy in this state and loves him just as much now as she does when he isn't blitzed.]

Yeah. With you.

[It's what people usually do in relationships after awhile and they've been dating for over half a year, Airy feels like its safe to ask and not to come off all clingy or anything.]

You wanna get a house together.

[Ooohkay. Time for a mid-trip check-in with himself. He's 95% certain this is actually happening. He has a distinct linear memory of communicating with her over the tomes, and her bringing him the fries, and here they are.

But it seems absurd. Moving in with his girlfriend. It's a step toward all that domestic stuff they talked about in the hypothetical, if they both wound up in a world that was a bit more normal. In his current state, Cassidy's more inclined to be amused by it than freaked out. He doesn't get as far as laughing, but his lips do pull into a smirk.]

Only in bloody Fairyland, right?

[Oh. wait.] You're serious. [He takes another look at the flyer. The calligraphy is giving off subtle rainbow-colored ripples.

So maybe it's absurd. Maybe, also, it's another way the fairies are giving him a chance at something he'd never have otherwise.]

Sort of a big step. [A statement which he's immediately worried she'll take the wrong way.] That's not me sayin' no, it's just — it's pretty major, gettin' a place together, y'know?

Yeah.

[She realizes that he's high and that it'll take some time for the suggestion to sink in.

Waiting, she reaches over to Cassidy's lap and starts to munch on the fries that she'd brought. Her intention had been to give them to Cassidy but waiting makes her hungry. She's nervous that he'll say no and what that will mean. They've talked about hypothetical's but Airy never thought they'd have a situation like this.

It's been more than a few months and it feels like an appropriate time but maybe her point of view is skewed. She's used to living with more than just herself.]

I am serious.

[Airy tries to keep her voice even but she's terrified.]

And I know it's a step but... it's not the biggest step and we've been kind of doing stuff out of order. I just thought it'd be nice to have a place that's ours. No matter what craziness happens, we have someone to come home to... kind of thing. [God, that sounds cheesier than she'd meant.]

[Thinking is a slippery notion right now, but fries are hot, salty, and delicious. Cassidy snacks on a couple more while Airy explains her reasoning.

He knows there's questions he ought to be asking. What happens on the days when he doesn't come home, because he got stoned and wandered out into the Wilds, or passed out at the arcade? Will she feel more betrayed any time he's with someone else, once they have a place together?

She'd have every right, if she did. That's part of what making a home together means. It's not like they'd just be roommates.

Fries are delicious. The view up here is lovely, and she's beautiful, and the whole world is shimmering like the surface of a bubble. If he says the wrong thing, he could be in danger of seeing it burst.]

No, right. I get it. Totally. I mean, I understand.

[Thing Number One is don't freak out, because if the trip goes bad, it'll only make things worse. Except that just thinking goes bad and make things worse stirs up enough dread to make it dangerously possible.]

Can I have some time to think about it, though? Only I'm still peakin' on these mushrooms and everythin' is a bit flimsy at the moment.

[Airy knows what it means. She knows what she's asking Cassidy. Not just Cassidy but herself too. She wouldn't let herself have random sleepovers without messaging him. They aren't sexual but it'd mean not coming home and having a home is an unspoken obligation.

It matters.

she realizes it.

But Airy really wants it too.

Things with Cassidy are going fairly well. It's not perfect but nothing in this place is and she thinks that they can make this step and it'd make them both happy. If she'd thought that it'd only benefit one of them, she wouldn't have brought it up at all, but it feels... right to her.]

Yeah. That's alright. But can we talk about it soon? I don't really want to leave it hanging out there.

[It's super awkward.]

[If things are left hanging, they could get heavy, and then the bubble could burst anyway. Some of the colors in the distance are starting to melt and drip like wax.]

The last time I had a house was in Vegas. [So, not all that long ago, but also:] I lived alone, then. And I was only rentin' it. Tiny little place...

[It's easier to start going on about the past, to talk about houses in a more general sense.]

Last time I lived with someone in a house was... [When? He gestures with the fries he's just picked up.] ...the hippie village. Though that was more like the castle, people sleepin' all over in different rooms, like.

[Airy is willing to give Cassidy time, she understands how crazy a trip can get, but she doesn't want to wait too long. Even now she feels her own uncertainty gnawing at the sides of her stomach. Maybe she'll remind him about it later? When he isn't high.

Then he begins to talk. Airy scoots close to his side and munches slowly on salty warm fries as she listens.]

How long ago was all that? [Hippies are the 80's but she isn't sure if there had been more before that. A Hippie village is more like what she's used to at the compound; they had all lived in one place and it's easy to walk down the hall and see who all was around or asleep. Sort of like the castle but families often shared spaces.]

I mean; the Hippie village.

[Airy remembers that Vegas hadn't been that long ago. Cassidy had said it's one of the few times he'd kept a stable job, only to be tracked down by hunters.]

The seventies. [Cassidy lets his legs dangle over the edge of the walkway as he looks off into the distance, and chews on his fries.] Fifty years ago, now.

[Quite a long time ago. In a whole other world.]

Did you like it?

[She's trying to keep the conversation positive but she also wants to know more. When was the last time he lived one on one with someone he cared about? What had happened? Is this why he doesn't want to move in with her? How many places has he been? Has he lost them all?

What would that feel like?

Airy reaches forward and takes Cassidy's free hand, intertwining his fingers with hers before grabbing another french fry.]

It was lovely. [A long time ago, but the memories are still clear. It was lovely... until it wasn't. Until things went south, and he'd had to leave. That had been at the end, though.]

There was this girl, Sheila... and this other one. Stacy. [Airy doesn't like hearing about him with other women, though. Also, those two are tied up in the whole going-south bit, so Cassidy shifts away from them quick. He's rambling, now, letting the mushrooms direct the path of his thoughts, and only applying a bit of mental steering when it's needed.] A bunch of other people. We spent most of the time outside, when it wasn't wintertime. The houses were basically a place to keep all our shite and sleep in. Which, really, often I've found, that's all a house is when y'get down to it. A place to keep your shite and rest up.

So you were in a threeway relationship thing?

[Airy doesn't like hearing about people she's slept with here but people who were firmly in the past don't bother her. She has ex's too but that had been before Cassidy. With Cassidy, she wants it to just be the two of them. She doesn't want to walk around and wonder if he's slept with the people she meets.]

That's true. It's really sharing a place to sleep that I'm asking for then.

[Her lips press together.]

Cassidy, what happened?

The last days of the free love movement. Everyone was sleepin' with someone or multiple someones, there.

[Is she really just asking for a place to sleep together? That seems transparently not the case.

Thing about shrooms is, they tend to make things very clear and cosmic and profound. A fractal kaleidoscope of sacred geometry. The melting colors in the distance are starting to crystallize.

This is a mirror-world they've found themselves in. They can try to apply the normal models, but something about it is always going to be uncanny and backwards, which isn't a bad thing, necessarily. It's only that left is right and up is down, and that takes some getting used to.

At the same time... here she is, holding his hand. Which brings him back to the first thought he'd had when he started reading the flyer. Only in a mirror-world like this would he be even entertaining this question.

When she asks him what happened, his mind links it with his own crystallizing thoughts, and he answers:]

What happened... that's a big bloody question. [What happened that got them here? The shrooms want him to start the story at the beginning of time, but no, better to skip over some bits.] Love is a fuckin' powerful force, really, when you can grab hold of it. It's gotta be the real thing wit'cha. Honestly. Cause I... I hate the thought of bein' without ya. No matter what else.

[Maybe it's because he's high but Airy suddenly feels like she can't follow him.] Yeah. [People in those days all slept with each other. That makes sense... though Airy has nothing but movie references to fall back on.

Then Cassidy continues but it feels like he's jumping in between stories. Something happened but then he's talking about Airy and loosing her???]

Cassidy? [Her fingers tighten around his and she presses a light kiss against his cheek.] Why do you think you're going to be without me? I'm here, right. And I always want to be here. [Which is also why Airy had been thinking of them getting a house together.]

Just tell me what's going on, what are you worried about?

[Next time she's going to wait until he's not high to ask him important questions.]

[It's a cycle, with friends and romances. He finds people, he gets close, and then he gets pushed away. Or he pulls himself away. Or someone dies, or almost dies, from violence or circumstance or because that's just what people do, sometimes.

Everything ends. Something always starts again, eventually, but it makes being in the middle of it an existential rollercoaster. Because what else is he supposed to do? Resign to being eternally miserable?

All this goes through his head while he's looking at her in the wake of the kiss, pondering the stained-glass blue of her eyes while eating a couple of fries. She's so beautiful.]

It's just never worked out, me livin' with people. [There it is. He'd promised her once that he'd let her see the truth about himself. Against all his expectations, it hasn't driven her off yet.] Sooner or later, that turns out t'be the first nail in the coffin. And I never thought the fairies would want us out of the castle.

[All of a sudden, the cosmic dissociation provided by the 'shrooms starts working to his advantage. He can sit with the reality of the choice in sharp, brutal terms.] I could say no. And that'd be a let-down for ya. I'd have let ya down. I can see that. Or — I could say yes.

[And... wait, why is that supposed to be a bad thing again? He could swear he had it a second ago. It's slipping away.

Oh. Right.]

Sheila... she took an overdose and almost died. Stacy got scared. Then bloody Derek tells me to pack up me shite and go...

[Should he be telling her this? Fuck. It feels like a confession, the glassy sheen on the world puts him very much in mind of a church, but maybe she is going to be his savior. It wouldn't be the first time he's thought so.

His hand squeezes hers back, hard.]

I just don't wanna skip to the part where it all gets messed up. [Like he'd said in his dream, an echo of another time he'd tried to make it work living with someone — think I'll get it right, this time?]

[Airy reaches forward, cupping his cheeks in her palms and turning his face towards her. She's kneeling in front of him now, her bright blue eyes searching and pained.]

We'll talk about this again when you aren't high but Cassidy.

[She exhales a slow breath and steadies her voice.]

I'm not human. That isn't going to happen. I'm not going to die and while I can't promise that this won't somehow go up in flames, it's worth taking the chance. Look at everything we've already been through and we're still together. I've never felt what I have had with you and I'm not going to just give you up.

I might be disappointed. You have the power to affect me but it's because I let you. I give you that power. I love you Proinsias Cassidy. It isn't logical and trust me, it makes no sense, but I'm here with you and I'm willing to fight for you.

[She leans forward and presses her forehead to his.]

And I will tell you that every single day for the rest of our lives until you remember it.

[She turns his face to look at her, and now she's taking up almost his entire field of vision. It's partially a trick of the eye caused by his hallucinating brain, and Cassidy knows that, but it doesn't mean he can do anything about it. He finds himself feeling as though he's looking up at her, as if she's taken over the sky and the world for a moment, just to deliver this message.

The concept of destiny and the universe or God having a plan is total bullshit. As far as Cassidy's concerned, this might as well be Exhibit A. In a just universe, in one that made sense, he and Airy never would've met.

None of that changes the fact that, despite the infinite number of potential paths and possibilities, they did. Every event of a hundred and twenty years, every choice that shaped him, every personal disaster... they didn't lead him anywhere else. They led him here.

For reasons he couldn't start to explain, things change when she uses his first name. She shrinks down and becomes a normal, Airy-sized person again, and he's just a man sitting on the edge of a walkway with a mostly-eaten tray of fries in his lap. Who is suddenly feeling exhausted and a little teary-eyed.]

I never meant for anyone t'get hurt. [Look, he knows how quickly this escalated. In a distant corner of his mind that still recognizes reality, he knows. Unfortunately, the only thing having that knowledge does is make it worse.] Christ...

[He doesn't want to disengage from her too much, but he does lift a hand to wipe down his face.]

God, I am so bloody stoned right now. Jesus.

I know. [She presses her lips to his in a light chaste kiss before pulling Cassidy into a light hug. Airy has no idea what's going on inside of his head. She feels as if she'd only gotten a part of the story but it made one thing very clear.

Cassidy isn't as confident as he likes to pretend. She'd already knew that to a degree but this is the first time that she's really seen how hard he's been trying and she wants to help him. He doesn't have to face his demons alone.]

And I know that too. [She smiles at him before letting her arms fall back down to her sides.] I have an idea. Let's go to my room or Neverland or wherever. We'll shag and eat fries and relax. We'll talk more when you aren't so ridiculously high.

I just want you to know that I'm here Cass. You don't have to face anything on your own but I want you to also remember that I said that.

[Airy smiles and presses another kiss to his forehead. She is completely taken in by him and has no idea if he realizes how much he's captivated her.]

[Cassidy feels like something very, very big just happened, and he can't tell anymore how much of that is real and how much is the drug.

It's gotta be the drug. Mostly.]

You said it. Yeah, we're — we're both sayin' things. These fairy mushrooms are no joke. Not in the least bit.

[There's a half-choked quality to his voice, still, but he's getting himself back under control. At least when he has a moment like that where he breaks down, even when he's high, it doesn't tend to last long.

He reaches out to loop an arm around her shoulders. He likes knowing that she’s here.]

It’s a nice view from up here, y’know? It’s lovely.

[Something big but also something small. It'd been nothing but really important. Airy finally understood the root of all of Cassidy's uncertainties. He'd lived for so long knowing that there was going to be an end and causing some of those ends. Airy can see the darkness in him and while it doesn't rule him, it'll always be a part of him. She doesn't want that darkness to hurt him anymore.

She leans forward and presses another kiss against his forehead before slipping next to him and curling against his side.]

Yeah. I tried some the other day. They an be intense. [Her fingers continued to brush the back of his hand as she came to the conclusion that she'll have to wait out Cassidy's high to talk to about this.]

It is.

This place is... really pretty.

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